The end of things

How could you just cut me out of your life just like that.
Not replying texts, calls, deleting me off all social media.
Maybe its better that way for you than to have to remember all the pain i've caused.
Its coming to a year now yet i still find myself going back to that day again and again telling myself what if i had done otherwise, things would've been so much better now. With me settling down in army, able to book out every night to help you with your school work, going for our usual dinners together. Maybe that's the one thing i miss the most about our time together; its the company, not having to do things alone. Though we get into our usual quarrels, the late night phonecalls everynight will make it better. These are things that i can never do with anyone else again.. Its special and it'll remain that way etched in my memory.. For so many months i told myself to get over it, go out on dates, meet someone new to erase you from my memory but none of the girls i met could even match up or share the chemistry we once shared. It hurts and sucks you from the inside like an endless pit. I blame myself and hate myself even more than you actually hate me. Hate myself for screwing everything up. Hate myself for being so naive. Hate myself for letting my future go.

I never lied when i said i treated you like my family. It means alot to me to actually say that and till today I can still memorize your likes and dislikes, the small gestures that shows your emotions, the little robot so i know where to find her. I wanna thank you for the simple 21st birthday, our usual "sit at anywhere" and just talk endlessly. The day you sat on the floor and said "yes" in ur green Applied Science shirt.

hehh... nostalgia...

Our first week of getting together, working at the I.T show, our first big fight. You wanted to end it and us to remain as best friends. When i broke down and you hugged me and told me that we'll try. Honestly.. we were 2 stubborn kids that really cared about each other with all their hearts.. just that we suck at expressing how we feel, misunderstandings.. When i was with you, you taught me how to be better, nagging at me to get my ass to school and do something productive instead of partying and gambling. My grades got better, from D to all Bs. Though i always complained, looking back now i really did appreciate it. I became a better person, worked harder to give us better dates. Like your 20th bday (couldnt be there for your 21st, was up for 2 days and nights to make that scrapbook for you).

Yea this is a promise to yourself. To be a better person Leonard, gotta let go of the past. Pour out your heart and carry on with life, "prove to your parents and your friends that you are better than what they think you are

"You only need the light when its burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, Only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you're high when you're feeling low, Only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go.. And you let her go" 

I guess you know all along that i read your blog regularly. Thats how we used to communicate with each other when we didnt wanna talk eh? haha then you'll say "how you know!" when i exposed your feelings.
I'm happy that you're happy now, that you have someone you really love that can give you what i didnt give to you. Just that you're out of my life too suddenly.. the hole is just too big, it takes time to fill..a really long time for the 386 days we spent almost everyday with each other. Yes to you i'm a very hated person..I'm sorry. if i could go back i'd do everything differently. I hope he makes you happy in places i've failed you.

On nights like this the disappointment in myself  cause me to lose hope for tomorrow. I think i've changed into a person i dislike, emotionally void, quiet, broken and tired of socializing. Many a times i blame it on NS for taking everything away, for coming at a time i could try to make things better, for taking away my freedom, for wasting my time. I guess i gotta learn to find joy in doing things by myself.. To let go of the hate i self inflict. This is not the me i know...so jaded with everything in life, everything is just so mundane, lack of sparks. The ones we used to have, planning dates, laughing fighting yeah those stuff..

If we may, i really wish we'd actually still be friends or have at least a part in each other lives. even a small once a year part kinda thing will do fine. Looking back you weren't stupid, neither was everything lies, i was too immature

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dived too deep

Geraldine~